Fulfillment versus Chaos

Fullfillment versus Chaos

Feeling unfulfilled was something that I spent most of my life figuring out. I was like something was missing inside, a piece of the puzzle or the missing key to release this unfulfillment and start feeling fulfilled.
I was looking for the answers and solutions outside of myself for years. I couldn't find it and I had no idea what it was that exactly felt missing.

Growing up felt unsafe. The environment felt unsafe, though I know my mom did the utter best she could. At that time I had no word for the feeling my outer circumstances created within. Now I know it was chaos I felt. And that feeling of chaos became normal.
No peace.
Restlessnes within.
Always having to do something.
It just was.

All of these things created conflicts within. As a child I already felt how others felt. I could feel when something was bothering them or when they were in pain. When I asked for claryfication of my inner senses, I got a denying answer back. It happened so often that it created conflict towards picking up intuitively stuff of others, because I got no validation for all that I felt. I started distrusting my intuition and gut feelings towards others and doubting my insights.

Confrontations within started to begin. I felt for example my mom was stressed and she replied that all was well. I didn't understand why what I felt was so different. I had no confirmation and I became really confused and insecure regarding my inner world and my outer world. It felt uncertain and unsafe. I had no idea what was going on. Again chaos.

The uncertainty of who I was became bigger. The normal proces of growing up as a child is that you discover step by step who you are. What you are good at, what like like, why you are here. To identify yourself and your identity. But to be honest I had no idea, because there was so much chaos around and in me.

The urge for knowing und understanding things became bigger, but at that time there was no google, only books. My questions were not answered and again conflicts, confrontations and chaos within. So the positive coping mechanism of control started to pop in, because it gave me a feeling of safety within. When I was able to control myself and my outer circumstances as much as I could, the chaos and everything else seemed not there. Ofcourse this was a big illusion.

Another way when control can pop up is when you have experienced physical, mental or emotional abuse. Manipulation is another trigger, because you feel things are not in order, the chaos then arises and more chaos wounds can be restored in our subconscious and our physical body.

So control will be the most intelligent answer/ solution of our subconscious to deal with all those things I have described above.

If you recognize anything of above, know you are not alone in this. I got you and I know there are many many other women who will recognize this.
Know all of those positive coping mechanisms or survival techniques, helped you and were there for a reason, to help you deal with it.

If you want to make a step in starting to release the unfulfillment, chaos, conflicts, confrontations and controlling within, become consciously aware of it. Embrace the feelings. Don't suppress or deny them, don't try to control them.
Start taling to your inner self, your inner child, your nervous system to make more space for healing. Simply ask yourself what you need and visualize you are giving that to yourself as your wisest, adult, best version of yourself.

Start repeating mantras like:
I welcome all feelings
My physical body feels calm
My nervous system is calm
I am grounded within
I am present within myself
I am centered
I accept myself
I am compassionate
I am calm
I am safe

Know I am here for you when you want to reach out.

Ciao for now,
xxx Martina
ps. Check my live Masterclass around this topic with clearings & healings