Allow your children the freedom they desire...even when you are not ready...

Allow your children the freedom they desire...even when you are not ready...

The past week was really interesting regarding old programs and positive survival mechanisms popping up. My middle girl who is nine went for the first time to a playdate with a new friend of hers. A playdate...ok...I would know I would pick her up by the end of the afternoon. That thought gave my mother the reinsurance she was doing fine and had a wonderful time. The time frame helped me to relax, I thought.

Things turned out differently and she asked me if she could stay over for the night.
Again a stretch in my comfortzone, but I agreed.
I had a new predictable time frame and I thought I could settle in and being more flexible. I was able to manage my nerves, practice peace within, go with the flow and release my previous expectations.
The next morning another call;" Can I go with my friend to the beach?"
I was like, ok she will be back by the end of the day...
So I discussed with the mom when I should pick her up.

Another change..."No, we will be back tomorow and sleep at our beachhouse, is that ok?''
Everything in me said; no! This is so not ok.
It was a big trigger for old programs of having to protect my girl and control outer circumstances. My nervous system got alarmed and the old habits started to get in conflicts with new habits, free from positive survival mechanisms.

I wanted to allow my girl the freedom, joy and happiness she longed for, but I was not ready. I was not prepared. Not being realistic she is getting bigger and will do more and more things, experience more things without me...

My girl went to the beach with her friend and I subconsiously started creating distractions, to not feel. To not feel that I was not ready. To not feel I was stressed within. I worked. I tried to enjoy the nail saloon with my youngest. I worked out. I was keeping myself really busy, not to feel.

Deep down I felt unsafe. Sad and anxious. My girl was doing fine and had a big smile on her face while she was away.

I sank deeper into this feeling after a day of avoiding and started to cry.
I was crying because I felt so not ready. I cried because I felt like this. I cried because I felt guilty of feeling this way. The last thing I wanted is to project all my past programs to my children and keeping them at all times with/ around me.
I cried because I wanted to give my girl this amazing, new experience and freedom without me, but it was so damn hard.

So I sank deeper. I allowed all these feelings. Told myself it was ok and probably quite normal when your kids are growing up. Embraced my wounded mother heart, knowing my girl was doing well and safe.

It was hard, it was confronting and it was necesary. 
I allowed myself this new experience of letting go, adapt, stretch my comfortzone and that I could be ready when my daughter was ready. Knowing they won't need me that much anymore then when they were younger...pfoe...yet that's a fact...

Thank you Bibi.

Tomorrow my 15 year old son will go on a school trip for four days and I feel the process starts all over again. My kids are starting to fly out and are making their own choices and decisions.

Surrendering and trusting I have done a good job as a mom and they are ready.

Ciao for now,
xxx Martina